Funny Status Quotes & Messages

I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my Netflix time

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

I'm not lazy, I'm just conserving my energy

I'm not a morning person, I'm a coffee person

I'm not being sarcastic, I'm just being a smartass

I'm not funny, I'm just really good at making people laugh at inappropriate times

Oh joy, I can't wait to be disturbed!

I'm not immature, I just know how to have fun

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it

Parachute for sale, used once, never opened!

Never make the same mistake twice, there are so many new ones to make

Life is beautiful... from Friday to Monday

I'm not funny, I'm just a professional prankster

I'm not sad for being single. Rather I'm thinking about my better half, who is single because of me

I don't care what other say or think about me, at least I am attractive to mosquitoes

I like playing with my cat when I'm high. Because I don't have one when I'm sober

When your Dr. says "I'll need to Google that"... you know it's time to change the doctor

Bigfoot saw me yesterday but no one believes him

I'm not trying to be funny, I'm just a natural-born comedian

75% of gym members don't even know their gym is closed

Time is precious. Waste it wisely

I wish I were you, so I could be friends with me

I'll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib!

Smart people like me don't use away messages... I am so smart!

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect!

Why do people use away messages? they're so stupid!

I'm right 90% of the time, so why worry about the other 3%?

I'm not trying to be funny, I just have a talent for turning mundane tasks into comedic gold

Back in 5 minutes. If not, read this status again

I'd grill your cheese! ~me, flirting

Math and alcohol don't mix. Please don't drink and derive

There's this lost cause I believe is called myself

I am stranded on toilet island

When life gives you lemons, throw them at someone!